Not so Good Weekend

hello everyone out there. I thought I would share my recent events of both great happiness and great sadness.

The last time I blogged was to put up some photos of our trip to Carter Notch hut. This was also the weekend I found out that I was expecting. Everything was going great for us. A few weeks following at around 7 weeks we had the first ultrasound which showed an embryo with a heartbeat and measuring right on for the size it should be at the state of pregnancy I was in. After having had a previous 'blighted ovum' at 5 weeks Tighe and I were beyond psyched, and getting excited about starting this next adventure of our lives as a family.

Fast forward a few days and I was really complaining and teary about the pregnancy symptoms which I'm not really well equipped to deal with. It was just the nausea that was bothering me, and to anyone who knows me knows I hate nausea and actually a morbid fear of vomiting. I finally did pull it together and started to just 'get used to it' and 'deal with it'. I knew that my desire to have a baby was the overriding factor and if I had to deal with the symptoms I would.

I made it to over ten weeks through probably some of the most stressful weeks I have had so far at my job. I planned a visit of my company directors with my clients company which needed much preparation. I also had to attend and assist at our user conference which was held in Boston this year. As one of the locals I was the one advising folks where to take out the customers to 'wine and dine' them etc. Anyway I digress.

I have been excited for the second doctors appointment which I had last thursday 3/16/05. I talked with my doctor a bit, and pee-ed in the cup, and thought everything was going routinely. She then got me up on the ultrasound table to see how I was progressing. I knew immediatly that things were not looking good. It was hard for the doctor to get a good focus on the pregnancy and just before that she was telling me how much more we should be able to see this time (as compared to the 7 week ultrasound). To make a long story short she had to do the internal ultrasound (I was already crying at this point) and she said just one word ('unfortunately') before I really started crying alot. There was no heartbeat, and the embryo measured only 8 weeks along, and since I was 10weeks the pregnancy was over two weeks prior. I had what they call a missed miscarriage, when the embryo stops growing and the heart stops but your body keeps it inside.

I had to go to the operating room the next morning for the DnC procedure which takes care of my body and hopefully prepare it for my next pregnancy sooner. Tighe and I are now sort of recovering from the stress and trauma of the past few days. We both agree that basically this sucks, and hope we don't have another repeat of the same situation. It's frustrating to have something you wanted so dearly just taken away, and that there is nothing you can do about it.

So now I've had two miscarriages, and no babies. I certainly hope I get lucky next time and everything works out favorably.
One thing I have learned is that it really does hurt to go through this, no matter how early the pregnancy loss was. When people say things like 'you can just try again', or 'it wasn't meant to be' it doesn't make someone who is going through this feel better. As the woman who just experienced this I can try and enlighten everyone why these comments are almost hurtful.

Since the beginning of pregnancy kinda sucks for most people, you feel tired, sick, your boobs hurt, nothing tastes right etc. If you have gone pretty far into the first trimester you have been dealing with these crappy symptoms for 5, 6, 7 weeks now, and you are glad you are almost done and will get to the second trimester and the 'good part of pregnancy' soon, but no you don't get to. You didn't get that lucky. Its like when your planing monopoly and you pick up that card that says return to 'Go/Start' and you have this major set back, and you will have to repeat all the troubling things along the journey to 'board walk' again. And to top it off at the age I am 30, I have lots of friends who recently had babies or are pregnant and you see how many success stories are around you and you wonder 'why do I fail?? It's like, for the others around you 40 weeks seems to pass so quickly but someone whos had a miscarriage or 2, almost expects to be sent all the way back to 'go' again at somepoint.. It will be hard to not completely stress out the next time, and the next time and the time after that etc. Those who have gone through miscarriages know that two pink lines on the pregnancy test does not necessarily mean that you will actually have a baby.

As for the 'just try again', yes I realize this is ultimately what I will do, and probably do very quickly but it doesn't feel good hearing it right away. I wanted THIS egg and THIS sperm to make it, not the next one, or the one after tha. Up until you have the miscarriage those future ones are not yet relevant to you, all of your focus is on the pregnancy you are carrying. Its like You have put your egg in the basket and that is the one you want so you have to get over the fact that you are not going to keep it before you can move on to accepting the 'try again'.

Well, thats about it for now. I am feeling better than I did on friday but sadly I think it is because I'm not pregnant anymore and can have some feeling of closure and healing. I'm preparing myself to roll the dice again probably in another month or two and maybe.... just maybe it will work out this time.

Cheers all!